I had a lesson after the full day was done.
Protect your “wins” from the corrosive onslaught of growing pains and temporal losses.
I had a fabulous several weeks of in-class growth and successes in preparing and offering my interpretation of life in Margie Haber’s ongoing master classes…. This came after an unexpected jolt to my pride when in one class a month ago in which my prized performance was not recorded and that disappointment crushed me. WHY? It was the first time in a long while I felt the infusion of more-than-aliveness… a surreal sense of movement and simply being with fullness and an otherworldly ease. It was “lightning in a bottle” so the coach said. Just to see it for myself, I was anxious for the playback. There was to be no such thing… and through that childish need to see proof came my innermost widening through a so-called failing. Here’s what I shared with a classmate who expressed his sympathy for the technical glitch:
“Today’s “botched” exercise really was the first time in a long while I felt I let go and had a real-life-slice along with some genuine fun. I felt the fullness and high of the experience, but it was accidentally not recorded so I could not “see” it. Bummed at first, I settled with it and figured all things work toward my good…and that very alive, fleeting bliss was perhaps just-for-me to realize I am still capable of it. …and in trying to recreate that bit of bliss in round two, I learned that anything really true and beautiful cannot be duplicated and any attempt to re-manufacture it may only cheapen a sacred gift and lesson of living. So, what could have just been a one-dimensional “win” became a multifaceted, multipurposed occasion for growth. All things turned for my good, indeed…”
Then…I was asked to do it again… didn’t want to, but it was good discipline in facing the contrast between just good and the previous very-alive-ness this version sorely missed. Alas, intangible things can be so maddening. The secondary lesson that is continuing to free me? To forgive myself for my perceived failings seen on camera—the replay only makes that need an absolute must-do. This also helped me to take another stomp on my quibbling fear of success and failure.
Now, back to my good today in class… allowing the good time in class to settle in my psyche INSTEAD of seeking out what to fix what was sub-par, I relished the bit of luxury self-forgiveness afforded. In no time at all, however, I heard feedback from jobs I did not book– I was good and prepared, but not quite “it.” Then my thoughts of the finesse I am trying to develop between being “myself” and being the “idea” of the “role” is less than kind…while I am more open and available as myself in auditions, the counter feedback I am getting is that I need to be tougher and edgier… I am seen as just too nice. I am not a mean person, but I have proven I can wield the dangerous sword of tough and powerfully in control…hmmm. This is an ongoing quandary for me…and one I may only find with more time, discipline, and facing situations that continue to deepen me so that I can climb to greater heights. My upcoming film called Scream at the Devil should help squelch the perception that I am limited by “nice.” Muahahahhahaha…..