It is well with my soul. Oh, for so long I have desired to confess that and it be true. It is. But after no small bit of wrestling and submission...I give thanks that I am a well person, fighting back dis-ease for myself and others until the day and time and the ways of my faith bring the ultimate reclamation that I know is mine to enjoy.
6 months since my previous scan and lab tests, I received the jubilant endocrinologist’s assessment today congratulating me on another great report. A report no different than the last and with an MD’s encouragement to celebrate and live my life and to continue to pray. Wow on that, by the way! And so, I speak forth and believe for a mounting strength to ascend and continue the journey I have been blessed to experience. Excelsior!
While 2016 American Thyroid Association guidelines would now classify me as a successful patient only in need of active surveillance to make sure the contained nodule(s) stay dormant, unmoving, and unchanging based on a decade+ of studies in Korea and Japan corroborating this, I only found a semi-satisfaction that this way of healing I felt led to walk has now found me allies in a field that I fought against (and alone) for so long. But I know my journey continues as I reassess my perspective, future actions, and heart to reconcile the crucible of I AM but NOT YET. Even this in-between, in-progress place is well with me, but my goal of complete dissolution of what was once diagnosed as cancer has not yet come in black and white text that I could make my own ticker tape parade and party out of. And perhaps, I realize as I peer deep within, that is one reason why.
Just a week ago I sought my Lord God about why the full deployment of the new me and my new life God has been preparing for me is taking so much longer than I want or expected. His response in a deep intuitive impression was that one of His desires is to circumvent my tendency toward pride through discipline, achievement, accomplishment, and doings. Among the many quiet revelations I have been gifted during my prayerful healing journey, the one that has been the most difficult was being shown and told there is much more distance to go… and lot of that was in my innermost terrain. Self-sufficiency must bow to surrendering my all to the God I claim my life and faith comes from…this complete submission must be completely complete and then will my victory find me in the name of the one who is my Healer–Jehovah Rapha.
While I am not God, (obviously!) in this personal disappointment comes a special invitation to delight in what is happening and will happen as I allow my plans and timing to be given over to the God beyond time. I recall and refresh myself with His promises to take me through the darkness, solitary, underground tunnels with worthwhile treasures when I emerge to a table He has filled with goodness and bounty. I realize I am also invited to speak forth the truths that shall be if I withstand doubt and weariness and stand fast to my faith that the giants still squatting on the territories that are claimed by Christ as mine are simply great reminders that they will fall and I shall not see them again forever when the time of the Lord is mine as well. I am equipped to declare every lying symptom as wrong and rise in strength confidant God will have His way when all things, ALL things will be worked for my good and His glory… For now, I lay before my Maker saying your will; your way is well with me, resting on the song He sung over me years ago–that “this won’t be the first time you have overcome.” And God cannot tell a lie.
So as my thyroid specialist sweetly exhorted me to do… I shall continue to pray and confess that I am and will be in the less than 15% of thyroid cancer patients who exhibit complete disappearance of any trace of dis-ease and leaning into my beautiful Savior Jesus who makes not only eternal life available, but an abundant healthful and triumphant life available in the flesh upon this temporal earth. In my current understanding, this means I be with Him more which will prioritize what I will do and not do… and being a person who once took pride in doing all I can, for all people, all the time, the so-called “good” human part of me keeps fighting against the rest and reliance I know I am being groomed and seasoned in for greater things ahead which I do not yet know, but believe I will see…soon.
Taking my personal connection with God in Christ into my human day to day, I shall continue to pursue and partake in the endeavors that prosper my soul, like ballroom dance choreography performances, acting work, including a new stage play I am so blessed to be invited to as main cast, and show up in every place that I am most at peace with practicing a different modus operandi that hungers for an intimate, very reliant relationship where God’s preferences and plans are my pursuit and devotion. This continues to guide my new life since being healed of the worst, fearsome, and most crippling ailments by God’s undeniable divine encounter and kindly visitations.
I am hungry for nothing less than allowing a vast, loving, and most patient God to grow my patience, perseverance, and long suffering so that the best of who I am designed to be becomes free and far removed from trappings of pride–one of the most underestimated and silent saboteurs of a pure and excellent way of the heart. And that is the beginning of what is required to commune with the greatest gift and being of all: GOD–my beginning and end–with His in betweens with me now unveiling.
In a refreshed waiting with wisdom and growing discernment, walking with my beloved YHWH and Yeshua, I choose to invest in this invitation of eternal love in my every step upward and onward… knowing I thrive most when purposely championing others’ redemptive journeys. From Trials to Triumph…what a joy; what a calling; grateful for my beautiful life!