4. Beyond what I think

More and more, studies show that our heart sends more electrical signals to our brain, not the other way around… So how and how intensely we feel about what we deeply, truly believe, changes our entirety. Our hearts produce EMF. Our hearts are the body’s strongest electric field generator- 5000 times stronger magnetically than our brain (according to #drmarkhyman! Imagine how much of an impact we have on ourselves and one another… So I now so value my Father God who cared so much about the state of my heart and my emotions that He would speak to me in such a way to help me see a way forward to how He wants me to heal unto complete completeness. I share this today because it is a special week of celebrating miraculous life from Palm Sunday to Resurrection Sunday.

So, as you know form my last blog, I had the promise from that prophetic song that I would indeed overcome, but when here feels so far from there… what’s the bridge between the now and then?

As much as I believed and believe more as years go by that the mind is a most powerful mechanism to change our world, it can also get mixed up with striving by an ego-driven outlook to achieve and that was something I knew I could not intuitively afford in the precarious situation I felt I was in. I needed something beyond what I could muster on my own at the time and I much more than just practical answers of changing diet, lifestyle, and well…changing everything. I needed to know that doing all that it would take to heal in totality would be worth the who-knows-how-long process it would become. I got my uplift in what some would call the night watches.

Sleeping was never a forte for me and it was one of my first struggles to change my lifestyle for healing. I needed to get over the guilt over sleeping more than 5 hours as I felt there was always so much to be done and so much I could be doing instead of unproductive dormancy. I drove myself around the clock and even when I tried to sleep, it would often elude me until I starting taking medical-grade cannabis oil and suppositories for the anti-cancer benefits that I started to sleep a lot. But before that, I would toss and turn and then return to my computer to work… and one week morning, I felt that this notion of suffering through life matters wrestled with me until I came to terms and at peace with this :

In fact, once I finished this meme, I felt an instant release to be able to rest and I wandered into bed with a great sense of peace. And my next night visitation came and confirmed my sense that suffering can often be changed by a choice to be wielded for our utmost good. As I dozed I had this otherworldly sense of pure joy rise in my heart and core area… almost to the physical extent that I felt I was holding a big bouyant beach ball… I was nearly awake in this state of sleep stupor and in my deepest being, I knew I had received a big gift of strength through joy for the journey of choices before me. Then that beach-ball lowered into my core and into my being…a strange enmeshing I was wide awake to know it was not just my imagination. There is the unseen more real world that loves the world we can touch. To overlook this reality is a shame that I had done for much of my life.

In my humanness, I still pressed for more in my recurrent dismay that I needed a reason or many deeper reasons to keep on going when the last decade of living in obedience and trust of my Maker was relentlessly crushing and often devoid of much earthly reward. The answer I was sent surprised me. And it’s often when the spiritual message I receive is not logical to me that confirms to me that it is indeed not me, but from beyond my limited flesh.

Of course, the answers I get from God often come in times when my resistant conscious brain cannot protest very much and since my Creator God knows me well, I got a dream. In this very vivid dream, I saw myself at a table signing things for visitors. it was not headshots being autographed. They were books I was signing … they were books where my rescue pups were the stars… and this is the main thing–I FELT HAPPY. I actually felt something other than sad or mad or nothing. I felt something. I felt happy. This reminded me that happiness was a real palpable sensory experience. I had been without it for so long, this guided me toward a productive creative outlet that could keep the happiness going and growing in my life. How I felt awakened me out of sleep. That was it! I knew that I had a future that would include working on books about my pups even though it had been 6 years since my first charitable book about them.

This dream awoke me… that I could be–that I would be happy once more. That was what I really needed–that an all out fight to live would be worthwhile and that my life indeed has purpose and value…even more so perhaps because of this process of refinement. I held on and continue to hold onto that powerful dreamlike vision. I realized that I also needed more happy in my life overall. Don’t we all?

I was and still am quite happy (yes, HAPPY!) that God chose to answer my earnest pleas so sweetly. Thank you Abba.

A Woman’s Knowing

International Women’s Day causes me to think on all the ways I am WOMAN! (not necessarily roaring…but steadied, redemptive, and sure.) Even with all the struggles in the workplace, to gender/role expectations in relationships, to anatomical matters that come with the doubleX chromosome, I am truly glad to be fully female. Moments of wondering what it would be like to be otherwise flees away quickly when I think upon the wonders of womanhood.

I have loved beautiful dresses and gowns–always have thanks to my mom and dad to worked their immigrant bottoms off so that I would not be in want for the simple or extra things. Thanks to my parents, I remember what it felt like to feel like a princess, beloved and prayed for, yet be able to understand at a young age how weighty the responsibility is for a woman to keep a family together with our intuitive, giving nature and strength to humbly and ferociously protect and sacrifice. As a grown woman who still loves dresses, (but not dressing up as much!), a wife, as well as a mom to pups, I have most recently been extra grateful for what I do not know.

Through the rigors of innumerable conviction-testing unexpecteds in life, I am learning how valuable it is to have a grip on what is just beyond my reach...to cultivate the warrior woman with a war-ready stance balanced by the unshakable quiet confidence that comes from many, many hard-won skirmishes and battles. I face each steep wall, treacherous mountain, darkest depths, and bleak outlooks with a certain levity (on an increasing number days now!) Certainly this, whatever it may be, cannot fell me–have you seen the triumphs in my fresh-worn path?!

Mistake me not, I truly grieve and mourn and rage in our world’s plethora of wounds, hurts, injustices… and most profoundly in the space where the dearth of forgiveness for others and for myself hollows out humanity’s soul the most. In life, there are times one must stand very solo. But I can stay in a progressive process from faith, to hope, to a radically transformative love because of all I have come to know –more of who I AM in my maker Abba YHWH. Only my God in Christ knows me all the more richly than I can appreciate…able to call me up to the wonders I know not yet within me by His majestic design. Sweet mysteries…

With Him, I know I can walk ever forward, head high with eyes on horizons I trust will always be replete with unimaginable satisfactions and boundless joys.

Jesus loves me. This I know. And that is enough for me.

For those asking for how I overcame cancer and the injury that gave rise to it, find my wellness journeys (coming soon) at https://joiedejane.wordpress.com/ , and @janeparksmith on IG, twitter, and FB. I have realized there is artistry in natural healing, walking in faith, and how I get to choose life in each and every way, everyday. I AM WOMAN. BLESSED. BELOVED. FEROCIOUS. #artistslife indeed! Thank you!