4. Beyond what I think

More and more, studies show that our heart sends more electrical signals to our brain, not the other way around… So how and how intensely we feel about what we deeply, truly believe, changes our entirety. Our hearts produce EMF. Our hearts are the body’s strongest electric field generator- 5000 times stronger magnetically than our brain (according to #drmarkhyman! Imagine how much of an impact we have on ourselves and one another… So I now so value my Father God who cared so much about the state of my heart and my emotions that He would speak to me in such a way to help me see a way forward to how He wants me to heal unto complete completeness. I share this today because it is a special week of celebrating miraculous life from Palm Sunday to Resurrection Sunday.

So, as you know form my last blog, I had the promise from that prophetic song that I would indeed overcome, but when here feels so far from there… what’s the bridge between the now and then?

As much as I believed and believe more as years go by that the mind is a most powerful mechanism to change our world, it can also get mixed up with striving by an ego-driven outlook to achieve and that was something I knew I could not intuitively afford in the precarious situation I felt I was in. I needed something beyond what I could muster on my own at the time and I much more than just practical answers of changing diet, lifestyle, and well…changing everything. I needed to know that doing all that it would take to heal in totality would be worth the who-knows-how-long process it would become. I got my uplift in what some would call the night watches.

Sleeping was never a forte for me and it was one of my first struggles to change my lifestyle for healing. I needed to get over the guilt over sleeping more than 5 hours as I felt there was always so much to be done and so much I could be doing instead of unproductive dormancy. I drove myself around the clock and even when I tried to sleep, it would often elude me until I starting taking medical-grade cannabis oil and suppositories for the anti-cancer benefits that I started to sleep a lot. But before that, I would toss and turn and then return to my computer to work… and one week morning, I felt that this notion of suffering through life matters wrestled with me until I came to terms and at peace with this :

In fact, once I finished this meme, I felt an instant release to be able to rest and I wandered into bed with a great sense of peace. And my next night visitation came and confirmed my sense that suffering can often be changed by a choice to be wielded for our utmost good. As I dozed I had this otherworldly sense of pure joy rise in my heart and core area… almost to the physical extent that I felt I was holding a big bouyant beach ball… I was nearly awake in this state of sleep stupor and in my deepest being, I knew I had received a big gift of strength through joy for the journey of choices before me. Then that beach-ball lowered into my core and into my being…a strange enmeshing I was wide awake to know it was not just my imagination. There is the unseen more real world that loves the world we can touch. To overlook this reality is a shame that I had done for much of my life.

In my humanness, I still pressed for more in my recurrent dismay that I needed a reason or many deeper reasons to keep on going when the last decade of living in obedience and trust of my Maker was relentlessly crushing and often devoid of much earthly reward. The answer I was sent surprised me. And it’s often when the spiritual message I receive is not logical to me that confirms to me that it is indeed not me, but from beyond my limited flesh.

Of course, the answers I get from God often come in times when my resistant conscious brain cannot protest very much and since my Creator God knows me well, I got a dream. In this very vivid dream, I saw myself at a table signing things for visitors. it was not headshots being autographed. They were books I was signing … they were books where my rescue pups were the stars… and this is the main thing–I FELT HAPPY. I actually felt something other than sad or mad or nothing. I felt something. I felt happy. This reminded me that happiness was a real palpable sensory experience. I had been without it for so long, this guided me toward a productive creative outlet that could keep the happiness going and growing in my life. How I felt awakened me out of sleep. That was it! I knew that I had a future that would include working on books about my pups even though it had been 6 years since my first charitable book about them.

This dream awoke me… that I could be–that I would be happy once more. That was what I really needed–that an all out fight to live would be worthwhile and that my life indeed has purpose and value…even more so perhaps because of this process of refinement. I held on and continue to hold onto that powerful dreamlike vision. I realized that I also needed more happy in my life overall. Don’t we all?

I was and still am quite happy (yes, HAPPY!) that God chose to answer my earnest pleas so sweetly. Thank you Abba.

3. Cutting…Truth

So, as you have read thus far, I am rather intense… I see things in black and white, yes and no, go or stop. Ironically, health matters are often NOT that cut and dry in real life. Cancer is particularly wiley in character and it is in the negative space lacking black and white that I chose and choose to fight, because it supports my absolutes while inadvertently scoffing at the minds of what has been established as sound doctrine in medicine. I don’t mean to be rude, but I understand that sometimes, my stubborn stand over certain matters can seem gruff and unreasonable. No offense intended, but it’s my life and I take full ownership of it … and someone’s best intentions won’t persuade me off my conviction! Stubbornness can be a saving grace, so thank goodness that this “attitude” can actually be a step toward healing! In my flawed ways, it certainly was at first.

I felt cornered and like a wild-eyed beast being preyed on while another attacker refused to let me breathe whilst that figurative knife stayed fixed to cut my throat and drain me of real life. Every M.D. who gave me all their reasons why I should just get rid of the cancer and the gland in which it was found probably saw my growing impatience and rage in my gaze while I politely declined. It’s kinda comical, actually…

After all that I had overcome in fighting to resuscitate a long suffering marriage, restore some brain health after an accident (which we will fully tie into this decade-long battle a bit later,) and struggle to fuel the hope by faith in my future, this did not seem fair. I kept hearing this from well-meaning friends and beloved ones–what kind of karmic flow was I experiencing that I had to pay for by fighting cancer (on top of everything else)?! When my soul was weakest and most wounded, this most sincerest of sympathies drove me to the woe-is-me pit. It felt so good for a few moments and then when I really thought through the logic of karma, it made no f-in sense and woke me from my depressive doldrums… Sure, many things can come through bloodlines and bad choices, but karma in this case, like a thyroidectomy felt too easy and obtuse an answer for me. F*** karma…and F*** any entitlement to whatever “fair” is or could be.

Until I knew where I was to be led with rooted, inner certainty, I found myself driven to keep my promise to myself–that I would win not just my bout with cancer, but every health obstacle that has tried to sideline me from my calling and life purpose in the healing process. I didn’t know how, but I knew this would be what would happen.

For those who believe in God and have a faith of some kind, this may make sense to you… The same year of my cancer diagnosis, I received a fitting word some call prophesy. I did not know what it meant at the time. I thought it was talking about my electrical injury, or plantar fasciitis, or my marriage… I was not sure, but the message was surely for me and one given in a place of peace and sweetness that I hungrily awoke to.

A voice had been singing over me one night that I recognize as one from the heavenly throne room of my Abba YHWH. Upon waking, I wrote it on my prayer white board: Hush now, this won’t be the first time you’ve overcome. It came upon such a beautiful melody that it harmonized my entirety of body and mind and emotions into a whole-being-brightness. So encouraged was I that I didn’t even care what it was referring to… when God speaks (or sings) to you directly, there is no greater gift but to be awed and bask in the moment. That was March of 2017. It was not until after my cancer diagnosis 7 months later that it seemed this prophetic song came fully alive. Even though I was crashing between overwhelm and complete numbness, I knew that somehow I would overcome. And that this attack on my life that felt like a knife to my throat would be neutralized. No, not just neutralized, but turned over in some triumphant fashion that would make all hell shudder. I knew so little, but I was certain of what mattered: “Hush now, this won’t be the first time you’ve overcome.” A forth-telling and foretelling of truth said in advance to secure my future of promise.

2. Hard to Swallow

What drove me to seek more than the usual attention I don’t typically demand? A strange little lump in my throat that made swallowing annoying and sometimes difficult. It seemed like a simple case of post-nasal drip after months of the horrid respiratory trouble and a serious flu with endless coughing. The odd swallowing issue lasted too long after my flu left for my comfort, so I sought an Ear-Nose-Throat specialist–one of the best reputed.

Nothing. There’s nothing there. Nothing is wrong with you. For those who have exhibited no tell-tale signs of sickness, but know something is wrong, receiving this pat answer to an earnest seeking can be outrageously maddening. It was for me and has been during the years of various physicians telling me I “looked” fine, slim, becoming, and very healthy even when my neuro-hormonal symptoms and some tests suggested otherwise. But that was and is the quandry–reconciling whole body, holistic wellness and compartmentalized, often-organ-specific perspectives on regaining health. It is in the grey area that isolation, hopelessness, rage, as well as soul-saving resolution happens…over time, of course. Even after several visits and scopes sent down my breathing passages revealed nothing, I refused to accept that I was behaving as if I had Globus Hystericus–the name itself obviously suggesting it was “all in my head.” Irritation… yes, absolutely. While various factors that may have caused this might show in the years to come, in this moment, I resisted this mild-mannered dismissal and I persisted until I was sent for an ultrasound, just in case.

Wish my intuition was wrong–the imaging tests showed suspicious spots on my thyroid. And then a fine-needle aspiration (biopsy) confirmed papillary carcinoma. And getting the results was not easy either as the doctor who initially told me the results since my main ENT doctor was unavailable didn’t know how to really tell me. It was awkward and I had to pull it out of him since more than a week had already gone by and I no longer wanted to wait to get the confirmation that I already felt in my gut. Just say it and tell me I insisted. So he did. Cancer. He said the only solution was removing it…and actually, that meant removing the thyroid. Unacceptable to me.

That weekend (after the biopsy results) I was scheduled to participate in a 3-day martial arts survival training program…and it was brutal. I wondered if every strike with hand or knife from throws and falls or practicing self-defense moves would make me worse or break free the cancer from its current location. I remember resisting hard not to spontaneously cry in the middle of the massive mental and physical learning curves… my pain was emotional, but the physical challenges were tough, too. I’m a fighter I kept telling myself… I did make it through the 3 days and weathering the onslaught helped me curry a deeper, inward warring spirit which I innately knew I would need for all that was ahead.

When I finally let the news settle and set an in-person meeting with the ENT doctor I initially sought for an annoying lump, I didn’t tell others. I was not in a place to tell my husband either as he was very busy and traveling so much, I just didn’t find and want to add another stressor to his already busy life. Yes, I know, this is also not a healthy situation. Nonetheless, it just shows how difficult to swallow a medical diagnosis like cancer can be and how much resistance can come in the place acceptance must be to allow for empowered decision-making.

As I mentioned, I promised myself I would fight cancer naturally and avoid conventional go-to solutions of surgery and radiation. That’s precisely what I told the doctor when my husband and I went to discuss my options. He said he would only have to take 1/2 my thyroid and would monitor the other half and the remaining parathyroids hoping they would not go into shock and also be felled to death. From an outsider’s perspective, it was reasonable– a fair-enough compromise, with very little risk, and a speedy way to get rid of the “problem.” In violent opposition, my psyche refused and my body tensed, square against this sending a feverish revolt through my body up to my head. I could not take this simply proffered option. I said no and politely asked him to take me on as an “experiment” to watch and see as I wanted to explore other options.

Such explorations will be shared later, but for now, the main matter is the diagnosis and the response to it. I felt disappointed that I did not react as positively and resolutely as I promised myself I would should I become part of the 1 in 2 or 1 in 3 to be diagnosed with cancer in America. And I see now that I was not being fair to myself and beating myself up for what I perceived as lack of bravery and failure in adequately taking care of myself. It was understandable in that I was already tired from my uphill battle to recover from an electrical brain injury which became the chronic inflammatory assault on my entire body that brought confusion within my cells including cancer. I was trying not to be angry at the woman (a medical practitioner and medical machine manufacturer) who was responsible for my electrical injury… I was trying not to be sad at feeling so alone as most medical professionals had dismissed my need for help saying I “looked fine” for years… I was heartbroken and didn’t want to face how upsetting it was that my husband was too busy to be an actively involved part of all this… I was hard-pressed from every side from external and internal pressure. I just did not want to feel anything… at all. It was too much and too hard for too long and this last drop of an added trial nearly pushed me over the edge. To simply function, I refused to process fully or let myself feel anything at all… Not for many months, actually.

I squelched every rumbling of rage and capped sobs into silence and unfortunately, I let my soul fester with all these poisons for a while before I even asked God for His direction and hope and listened. All I could think of was pounding everything into submission like mixed martial artists in a blind rage do to their opponents. Kill-kill-kill. Destroy, destroy, destroy. Not much finesse in denial, hurt, and fear…and that is where I remained for a while. I had to grow quite a lot to face my brokenness and broken heart so I could see a way forward unto life. All I knew was I was determined to win and do it my way and that no one was taking my body apart. Radiative dissolution or surgical removal of this powerhouse hormone modulator felt tantamount to letting the Devil cut my throat and drain my life. Yes, it was that insanely dramatic for me. All I could do, think, or say was that I would not be beat….not by anything. Funny how such denial of a full perspective could masquerade as determination. At least I still had that… and that is where I started.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. -2 Corinthians 4:8-9

This GUAC always rocks!

INGREDIENTS:

  • 4 large or 6 small ripe avocados
  • 1 average sized shallot very finely diced
  • 1/4 average sized sweet onion finely diced
  • 1/4 cup fresh cilantro leaves chopped
  • 1 tablespoon Adobe seasoning
  • 1/4-1/3 cup lime juice depending on your taste
  • 1/2 jalapeno finely diced. More per taste. I love spice!
  • optional: chili flakes if you want more color with spice


Use all organic ingredients, if possible! Okay…now…

WHAT TO DO:
Moderately mash up perfectly ripe avocados and then just mix this all the ingredients together and make sure its smooth with some texture. A gooey mash would not be ideal… but some small soft chunks of avocado left for your own tongue and teeth to finish off completely makes it a nice mouthfeel and therefore taste like freshly handmade guac.

Also, cilantro that is local farmers market sourced and fragrant is best!

Spoon it up or chip it up and into your mouth… or just slather on crackers and indulge in this yummy fatty fruit heaven! …um, can you tell I LOOOVE guac? It really does ROCK!

note: The adobo powder I use is from the Simply Organic brand found at most grocers. The ingredients are: sea salt, garlic, onion, black pepper, oregano, bay, and turmeric. If you would rather not use this, just use Himalayan pink salt, dash of onion powder, sneak some turmeric or chili flakes in there…and adjust to taste. Pepper is a per taste preference, so go for it if you want! Oh, and I don’t love tomatoes in my guac… I prefer to just have salsa separately and thoroughly dive into this creamy green treat!

Flax crackers add even more healthy fats!

LOVE MY CACAO MOUSSE Vegan & Keto!

KETO CACAO MOUSSE with topping variations

Before I get into the low-carb version, here is my original share for everyday folks who want to sneak some health into unsuspecting standard American diet eaters… I love and miss this one! Pre-KETO version… yummy, but for when higher-glycemic whole fruits are back on my plate! https://joiedejane.wordpress.com/2015/04/23/raw-dark-chocolate-pudding-for-earth-day/

pre-Keto version with dates

Now, since I am Vegan-Keto for health recovery reasons and need the healthy fats to do their best to reset my brain and body, here comes a version with MCT powder and Lakanto (which has erythritol and extract of luo han guo fruit.)

pre-Keto Version closeup

INGREDIENTS:

=2 large ripe avocados

=1/3 cup coconut milk (or unsweetened nut mylk of choice/not rice. I love the combo of coconut cream and almond mylk)

=6 tablespoons unsweetened raw cacao powder (more if you’re need it dark, dark… or less if you like it bit less noir! Use carob powder if you cannot have chocolate.

=4-tablespoon of Lakanto sweetener and, if you need, add Lakanto monkfruit liquid drops to your taste as you blend

=1 Tablespoon vanilla extract… and teaspoon of vanilla beans, if you have it

=1 scant teaspoon of cinnamon

=2 heavy dashes Himalayan pink salt

=MCT oil few drops or one teaspoon or MCT powder

=optional 1 Tablespoon of cold brew coffee (I don’t usually have coffee, but enjoy if you do~)

Fresh out of the processor

WHAT TO DO: Just use a strong food processor or high-powdered blender and taste as you go… 🙂 It will be potent, but so good with a side of berries 🙂

It does give you a nice afternoon energy lift!

Facing naked truths

Deeply grateful

Who else would know I needed this today?! Who else but a bestie who has walked with me the last decade of life with her eyes and heart wide open. This bestie dug in and quietly stood by me through so much, including health restorative challenges and even lovingly foresaw how fatigued on every front I would be whether or not I attained my goal at my recent #Hope4cancer followup visit. How am I so fortunate to be encompassed by such powerful compassion?!

While I am truly triumphant in subduing cancer my way and naturally, it has taken much more and much longer than my A-type personality initially predicted or preferred. So, I also am grateful for the humbling maturation and growth that I needed to allow to root before my freedom could nestle in.

I needed this time back in LA to rest, breathe, collect my thoughts and refocus in order to muster up my warring ways to next take down the root cause that made cancer find place in my wounded neuroendocrine systems. And on this front, I am assured the mountaintop draws near… and I look forward to emerging from the new morning mist as the jubilant Jane I was nicknamed in years past.

I learned that receiving love and tender gifts of thoughtfulness is a beautiful part of the circle of life. For me, it’s not adapt or die, but adapt to thrive!

Thank you for every dear one who has touched me with their faith, love, resources, and authentic humanity…letting me hurt and helping me up again to face down every foe. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I love you. Truly.

c. not me.

Bus ride after clinic visit. Fatigued, but affirmed.

cancer. (small c) Today I publicly share and declare, I am free of its grip.  Not by conventional means.  This photo taken after my latest round of tests this week, you can see my battle worn and wearied face, but head held high seeing the fruits of faith and steady, and radical long-term action. 

I tackled #cancer using holistic means led by my faith in #Christ and to prove out my own belief that our bodies are miraculous and made to heal if given all it needs to do so. It was a very solo fight for the first year.  Then I decided a larger community to support my progress and seal my expectations of wellness would be best, so I crossed the border to #Mexico. And now that I am certain my carcinoma is under control per my Hope4Cancer #doctor …and in my estimation, regressing if not already totally repentant leaving me with just scar tissue, I am free to take down the larger giants that I have always known was the root cause of many of the maladies that reared their heads in the last decade.  I’ll share more soon about what type, the at-home steps, and radical life changes that I had to make to deepen and advance healing.

Root cause resolution has always been my focus and now my next steps because my #gift of cancer caused others to also consider the electrical injury that brought confusion to my body functions.  Cancer and other chronic, metabolic and inflammatory oriented diseases are most often whole-body related and not simply contained in one body part.

With the hard lessons I’ve learned, I am #blessed to be maintaining a cancer-conquering-life in mind, body, soul, and especially Spirit.  Soon, you will read and see on IG and FB @janeparksmith as well as deeper thoughts here at https://joiedejane.wordpress.com/ .  Plus, because #food is #medicine to me, much will be shared through IG: @eatscommunity as well. I truly hope my wilderness #journey, progression, growth, small, as well as milestone victories like this day’s serve to offer you more options than what I had been offered from the sick-care model of medicine prevalent today.

Thank you and may God bless you and keep you!